Rylan Thomas rebranded to Spanky Time the week of kickoff, then hung 175.56 on Blake. That is the highest score in the league by 12.6 points, from a roster NTSN had 11th. ESPN moved him from 11th to 2nd overnight. In the Alderson Bowl, Logan beat the commissioner 120.7 to 77.5, and Don drinks the first tallboy of 2026.
Caleb Williams 37.26, David Montgomery 28.9, Jaxon Smith-Njigba 26.2. rylan's Remarkable Team is dead and its replacement outscored every roster in the league by 12.6 points in its first week of existence.
Kenneth Walker 34.1, Amon-Ra 28.7 and Jaxson Dart 26.6 for the champ. Nico Collins led the commissioner with 21.2 and Mark Andrews added 8.9. Lowest score in the league, first tallboy of the season.
NTSN's preseason No. 1 lost to Jacob Barnwell 130.26 to 89.16. Lamar carried 24.96 of it and McCaffrey managed 13.8. Ashton Jeanty went for 32.7 and Chris Olave 28.2 on the other side.
Aaronning Away With It put 162.96 on Garrett behind Gibbs 33.6, D'Andre Swift 32.4 and Mahomes 22.66. Zay Flowers led 3rd Beer with 26.0. The 1.01 rebrand is 1–0 and insufferable.
Spanky up nine to 2nd, Jacob Johnson up six to 6th, Logan up four. Cain, CJ, Blake and Garrett each fell five. Eli held at No. 1, the only team on ESPN's board that did not move.
Josh Allen 35.66, Christian Watson 32.7, Bijan 31.3, and 150.46 total. CJ's 125.66 was the highest losing score of the week and it was not close. We had Eli 7th in August. We have moved.
Logan Alderson finished dead last in 2022 with a −28.1 differential and agreed to an ass tattoo as punishment. He has since gone champion in 2025 — leading the league at 1,879.96 points and a perfect 7–0 at home — without ever visiting a tattoo parlor. He now enters 2026 defending a crown that a meaningful portion of the league considers provisional.
"He's the champ until he pays up. Then we'll talk." — a league source who definitely isn't Isaac
| # | Team | Wk 1 | W–L |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Spanky Time Rylan Thomas · 175.56 PF | W | 1–0 |
| 2 | Aaronning Away With It Isaac Puzey · 162.96 PF | W | 1–0 |
| 3 | Nobody's Hurt Eli Hurt · 150.46 PF | W | 1–0 |
| 4 | I chase brown kids Jacob Barnwell · 130.26 PF | W | 1–0 |
| 5 | Mr Swift Logan Alderson · 120.7 PF | W | 1–0 |
| 6 | Blevins' RubNTug Jacob Johnson · 113.72 PF | W | 1–0 |
| 7 | Room 40's Nuts CJ Tackett · 125.66 PF | L | 0–1 |
| 8 | Naber, What?! Blake Howell · 115.42 PF | L | 0–1 |
| 9 | 3rd Beer Hits The Blake Towers Garrett Burton · 104.24 PF | L | 0–1 |
| 10 | Beatin Sandy's Cheeks Tyler Blevins · 100.56 PF | L | 0–1 |
| 11 | 4th n Long to Deannas Tight End Cain Cooksey · 89.16 PF | L | 0–1 |
| 12 | Gut Check Donavon Alderson · 77.5 PF · 🍺 | L | 0–1 |
| # | Team | Move | Draft |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Nobody's Hurt Eli Hurt · the one team that didn't move | EVEN | 1 |
| 2 | Spanky Time Rylan Thomas · biggest riser | +9 | 11 |
| 3 | I chase brown kids Jacob Barnwell | +3 | 6 |
| 4 | Mr Swift Logan Alderson · def. champ | +4 | 8 |
| 5 | Aaronning Away With It Isaac Puzey | +2 | 7 |
| 6 | Blevins' RubNTug Jacob Johnson · ESPN had him 12th | +6 | 12 |
| 7 | 4th n Long to Deannas Tight End Cain Cooksey | −5 | 2 |
| 8 | Room 40's Nuts CJ Tackett | −5 | 3 |
| 9 | Naber, What?! Blake Howell | −5 | 4 |
| 10 | 3rd Beer Hits The Blake Towers Garrett Burton | −5 | 5 |
| 11 | Beatin Sandy's Cheeks Tyler Blevins | −1 | 10 |
| 12 | Gut Check Donavon Alderson | −3 | 9 |
Lowest score in the league in any given week shotguns a tallboy. No appeals, no bye-week excuses, no "my quarterback got hurt in warmups." It is the one debt in this league that actually gets paid, which is more than can be said for the ass tattoo.
Season-long punishments are reserved for finishing last in the league — Logan in 2022, Tyler in 2024, Rylan in 2025. In seven years, exactly one sentence has ever been carried out: Logan shaved his head, believed to be for 2019. Everything since has been an IOU.
Week 1 tallboy: Gut Check, 77.5. The commissioner drinks first. Week 2 projected low: Beatin Sandy's Cheeks at 114.6.