The season opens with the defending champion visiting the commissioner who rage-quit last January — and the projections have Donavon by 1.8. Elsewhere, Garrett and Isaac are separated by a tenth of a point in the closest game on the board.
Round 1 went chalk — six receivers, six backs. Then nine of the twelve Round 2 picks were running backs and the position was stripped to the studs.
CeeDees Blue Balls is dead. Aaronning Away With It drew the top pick, took Gibbs, and followed with Jacobs and A.J. Brown. Nobody knows how to feel.
Logan won the 2025 title without ever paying for finishing last in 2022. The asterisk enters its fourth season and the group chat has not moved on.
Two future Hall of Famers went back-to-back at 82 and 83. A decade of tight end supremacy is now officially a value pick.
ESPN has Eli first and Jacob Johnson dead last. We have that almost exactly backwards. Seven of twelve teams land within a spot — the other three are a real argument.
Blake carried the team name for a full year. At pick 32 he finally took Malik Nabers and completed the bit. The value is a separate conversation.
Logan Alderson finished dead last in 2022 with a −28.1 differential and agreed to an ass tattoo as punishment. He has since gone champion in 2025 — leading the league at 1,879.96 points and a perfect 7–0 at home — without ever visiting a tattoo parlor. He now enters 2026 defending a crown that a meaningful portion of the league considers provisional.
"He's the champ until he pays up. Then we'll talk." — a league source who definitely isn't Isaac
| # | Team | Draft | ESPN |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 4th n Long to Deannas Tight End Cain Cooksey | A+ | 2 |
| 2 | Blevins' RubNTug Jacob Johnson | A | 12 |
| 3 | Room 40's Nuts CJ Tackett | A− | 3 |
| 4 | 3rd Beer Hits The Blake Towers Garrett Burton | B+ | 5 |
| 5 | Aaronning Away With It Isaac Puzey · rebranded | B+ | 7 |
| 6 | Beatin Sandy's Cheeks Tyler Blevins | B | 10 |
| 7 | Nobody's Hurt Eli Hurt · ESPN's No. 1 | B | 1 |
| 8 | I chase brown kids Jacob Barnwell | B− | 6 |
| 9 | Mr Swift Logan Alderson · def. champ | C+ | 8 |
| 10 | Gut Check Donavon Alderson | C+ | 9 |
| 11 | rylan's Remarkable Team Rylan Thomas | C | 11 |
| 12 | Naber, What?! Blake Howell · ESPN has him 4th | C− | 4 |
| # | Team | Status | W–L |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Mr Pfizer + Swifties Logan Alderson | Champ | 9–5 |
| 2 | Blevins' RubNTug Jacob Johnson | Runner-Up | 11–3 |
| 3 | Nobody's Hurt Eli Hurt | 3rd | 6–8 |
| 4 | 3rd Beer Hits Blake Garrett Burton | 188 Pts | 8–6 |
| 5 | I chase brown kids jacob barnwell | 7L Skid | 6–8 |
| 6 | 4th n Long to Deanna Cain Cooksey | — | 8–6 |
| 7 | Gut Check Donavon Alderson | Crybaby | 10–4 |
| 8 | CeeDees Blue Balls Isaac Puzey · now Aaronning | — | 6–8 |
| 9 | Beatin Sandy's Cheeks Tyler Blevins | Consol. | 6–8 |
| 10 | Room 40's Nuts CJ Tackett · def. champ | Dethroned | 6–8 |
| 11 | Naber, What?! Blake Howell | — | 4–10 |
| 12 | Waffle House Bound Rylan Thomas · now rylan's | Last Place | 4–10 |
Lowest score in the league in any given week shotguns a tallboy. No appeals, no bye-week excuses, no "my quarterback got hurt in warmups." It is the one debt in this league that actually gets paid, which is more than can be said for the ass tattoo.
Season-long punishments are reserved for finishing last in the league — Logan in 2022, Tyler in 2024, Rylan in 2025.
Week 1 projected low: Beatin Sandy's Cheeks at 114.1. Start stretching, Tyler.